I Am Permanently Banned From The Kingdom Of Heaven

      Recently I've been dwelling on a thought that hurts me; I have no hobbies and no women like me. This incites kind of a blank terror in my mind where the full expression of my concern would prove my deepest fears right so I ablate them at the source, leaving an empty face where my lively inner expression would be, so I decided I would try out the Black Pill. It is not a bad idea. I do not know about where the black pill comes from but the name implies something attractive to me. It sounds like the answer or combative aid to the malevolent force that has always evaded my blows, like if a ghost had been bullying me my whole life and someone is giving me steps to mitigate it rather than society telling me to just do away with the ghost. Although I would not say that the black pill has made me happier. In fact my whole day and all of my thoughts center around how I look. This morning I had to duck out into a bathroom I was passing by and observe my face to make sure that my cheekbones, which i had bonesmashed at home right before I had to leave for college, were protruding as much as I thought they were. The thought that I did not bonesmash enough this morning circled inside of my head while my body took care of making sure that I appeared competent and non-obsessive. Thankfully, I think I did bonesmash enough this morning but I will have to bonesmash more every morning to prevent this from happening again. I have also tried to be cooler to women. I am not making jokes about having gay sex with my male friends in front of women anymore because that is the lowest form of jestermaxxing. Instead I have adopted a more nonchalant tone. I think this newer personality and humor will help me score some females but I still think I have aura debt from my previous personality, so I will have to keep this act up and then try to score on females.

Physiology is confusing and Unintuitive

A lot of you might think its confusing for me to do this to myself. To subject myself to sadistic scrutiny at all moments, to only be thinking about my facial proportions and if I can have sex with any woman I want. I wish I wasn't like this. But put yourself in my shoes. My whole life feels like a mistake. Everyone around me has been achieving things that I can't even begin to understand. When I try to relate to the crowd, they immediately pick up on my fear, which is not a crutch so that other can sympathize with my insecurity but an indicator of my existential obsoleteness, and they resort to harsh and subtle tactics of exclusion. i can control my reaction to this experience. I can control my words and what little technical ability i have. But I can never fill my soul up with what everyone else has, with what my grandfather had, with what his grandfather had, with what the football players have, with what everyone has but me. Maximising for initial appearance works. I can engineer my dominance and virility however i please.